The Aristotelian Email Protocol
Welcome, seeker.
You have arrived here because something in your life feels incomplete. Perhaps you have 47,123 unread emails. Perhaps you have read 47,123 productivity articles promising to fix that number. Perhaps you have read this one before, disguised as something else.
We are here to tell you that the answer is ancient.
It is philosophical.
It is available in three tiers.
The Problem: Communication Chaos
The modern condition is one of constant interruption. You are trying to flourish, to achieve eudaimonia, the state of living well and doing well, but your phone buzzes every thirty seconds with a notification about a credit card offer or a LinkedIn connection request from someone you met once at a conference in 2017.
This is not flourishing.
This is the opposite of flourishing.
This is, in fact, anti-flourishing.
We have diagnosed this condition and given it a name: Inbox Induced Eudaimonic Deficit (IIED)*. It sounds serious, which is the point.
The Ancient Wisdom
The philosopher Aristotle wrote extensively about eudaimonia in his Nicomachean Ethics.
He did not mention email.
Email did not exist in ancient Greece.
But we have extrapolated.
Aristotle argued that virtue is found in the mean between excess and deficiency:
| Excess | The Mean | Deficiency |
|---|---|---|
| Checking email every 30 seconds | Checking email twice a day | Never checking email at all |
| Responding to every email immediately | Responding in dedicated sessions | Responding to no emails ever |
| Being a slave to your inbox | Being the master of your inbox | Being unemployed, and therefore having no inbox |
This is, we believe, what Aristotle would have said if he had lived in the 21st century and had a small business with a Shopify store.
We cannot prove this.
We are not going to try.
The Protocol
The Aristotelian Email Protocol™ is simple, elegant, and grounded in 2,300 years of philosophical tradition (we use the word "tradition" loosely):
- Choose two times per day to check your email.
- Process everything in your inbox until it is empty.
- Close your email and do not open it again until the next scheduled time.
That is the protocol.
That is the entire protocol.
There is nothing else.
The Tiers
For those who require more structure, the Aristotelian Email Protocol™ is now available in three tiers, because if you are not charging for something, you are not taking it seriously.
Basic — €47.99
- The PDF guide to the protocol (one page, containing the three steps listed above)
- A downloadable checklist confirming that you have processed your inbox
- A second downloadable checklist for confirming that you have completed the first checklist
Pro — €97.99
Everything in Basic, plus:
- The Eudaimonic Email Framework™, a proprietary system for determining which emails to process first (process them in the order they appear)
- Access to the private Facebook group where members post screenshots of their empty inboxes and receive praise
- An enamel pin that says "Inbox Zero"
Founder's Circle — €247.99
Everything in Pro, plus:
- A signed waiver confirming that you understand the Aristotelian Email Protocol™ is not a substitute for genuine human connection
- A thirty-minute video call with Gareth, during which he will watch you process your inbox and say "good" at appropriate intervals
- A vial of "sacred Greek focus water" (tap water from Cardiff, collected during a thunderstorm, because Aristotle would have appreciated the drama)
Testimonials
"I bought the Basic tier. The PDF told me to check my email twice a day. I already did that. I'm not sure what I paid for but the font is very nice."
— Gareth, 54, Cognitively Offloaded
"I've been doing the protocol for three weeks. My inbox is empty. My life is not. But I have a lovely enamel pin."
— Imogen, 44, Systematised
"I joined the Facebook group. Everyone is posting screenshots of their inboxes. One woman in Swansea has achieved Inbox Zero every day for six months. She is also, apparently, divorced. I am not saying these things are connected, but I am also not not saying that."
— Cordelia, 41, Engaged
"I did the Founder's Circle call with Gareth. He watched me process my inbox. He said 'good' three times. I asked if there was an advanced module. He said no. I felt the Founder's Circle fee may have been optimistic in retrospect. The enamel pin is on my desk. It says 'Inbox Zero.' My inbox is not zero. But the pin is very shiny."
— Gerald, 67, Correctly Postured
The Disclaimer
The Aristotelian Email Protocol™ has not been evaluated by any medical, psychological, or philosophical body.
Aristotle would almost certainly have disapproved of this use of his work. We are choosing to interpret his disapproval as a sign of success.
Checking your email twice a day will not cure you of anything. It will, however, mean you spend less time reading emails and more time staring out of the window, which is arguably closer to the philosophical life than anything else on offer.
Big Inbox does not want you to know this.
The pencil is still in the kitchen drawer.
The protocol is free.
The tiers are optional.
The Aristotelian Email Protocol™ is part of The Cult of Better's ongoing series examining how ancient philosophy is repurposed to sell common sense back to you at a premium. Next week: how Marcus Aurelius invented the 5AM Club, and why Epictetus would have hated your to-do list.